Throwaway26462295 Just a heads up first that it’s a sensitive situation and I’m not really trying to call my mother an ‘AH’ here. I am just trying to work out if the feelings that I expressed were valid. I (27F) live with my parents. My dad (69) was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. Currently me and my mother (68F) care for him, having to manage between us most of his daily tasks (+ guiding him from one room to the next often requires two people). It’s emotionally draining and has completely changed both our lives; it also means that generally one person has to be at home with him - he can't be left alone as he is very prone to falls. A charity has begun visiting us recently, and seeing the state of things they offered additional care. At first they offered carers who would come to the house a couple hours each day, most days of the week. I was fine with this arrangement as I think getting him ready in the mornings and then ready for bed in the evenings are the hardest parts of the day and I would appreciate the help. They also offered a ‘sitting service’ where a carer could be here with my dad for most of the day if both of us wanted to go away at once. Then they said that if they played it right, they could get us a fully funded live-in carer. My mother jumped at this because she and my dad have a second house, and she hasn’t really been able to visit it since his diagnosis because of all the appointments and care he requires. If a carer lived with us all the time, she could go there whenever she wanted. So she is seeking to secure this option. I don’t like this for a few reasons. The biggest is privacy. Our house isn’t huge, and the situation with my dad is really emotionally taxing. I don’t want a stranger in my house during what is a really sensitive and personal time."AITA for telling my mother I don’t want a carer in our home?"
It also would make the house feel like a care home and not a family home. I feel like I can’t have any mental space from the fact that this is how my dad is within this house.
And also, I don’t really want to go to my parents second house. I find it very isolating. So all I am really left with in this case is to stay with my dad and this live in carer whilst my mother gets respite.
I told my mother that I wouldn’t try to stop the agency making this arrangement but I really didn’t like it, and that I didn’t feel we needed it nor did it really have my stamp of approval.
She was really upset with me as she feels she really needs this because inevitably she takes on the bulk of caring for dad, notably baths and dressing because he doesn’t ever want me to see any of that.
It is very taxing on her. But in my mind this just feels a bit like the final straw, when the doctors are no longer outside the house, no longer only visiting, but actually living in the room next to mine. I really hate it and I feel I should have the right to say so as I live here too. But AITA for doing so?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Substantial-Soft-326
Your parents sound like my grandparents. My grandfather passed away in April at the age of 87. The past two years, he had gone significantly downhill. Last Christmas, my mom and I had to have a serious discussion with her. He was using a walker and unable to get out of bed, use the bathroom, bathe or driver. My grandmother who is 5 years younger than him was having to do everything.
He was 6'3 and she's only 5'5. It was becoming too much for her. She was barely sleeping well and she was hurting herself trying to lift him. It wasn't healthy at all and it was an off day when she wasn't' having a meltdown The option was she either get help or we would need to discuss putting them in a home. She chose the first option.
We set them up with an agency and when it was good, it was great, but it did have some drawbacks like you have described. Some days people wouldn't show up. They'd change the schedule out of nowhere with brand new people showing up. No privacy at all.
It's difficult and it's hard. But it was the best thing for my grandfather. We couldn't get him in the car long enough to get closer to my parents and my grandmother was adamant that he would not go into a nursing home. The carer gave her a break. They'd cook, clean, do laundry. It'd allowed my grandmother time to rest and do things she needed to do in order to be the best wife possible.
This isn't about you. It's about your parents and what's best for both of them. Your mom can't take this on her own. In your post you come across as only thinking about YOUR needs. What you need. Nothing about what they need. You're 27 years old. Move out. Help where you can, but don't you dare ask your mother to not get a carer cause YOU don't want someone there. Again, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. YTA.
lihzee
YTA. This is huge. If you don't like it, move out. This seems very selfish.
zzWoWzz
YTA. You would rather trapped your mother in the house 24/7? This carer would likely be able to help with baths and dressing to take the burden off of your mother that you are not helping with. Your mother needs a break and with this service, YOU can also take more breaks yourself.
Honestly, you sound very selfish and all your whining and complaints about not having time to yourself or able to get a job while denying the one thing that would allow you to have them is very ironically funny.
"But in my mind this just feels a bit like the final straw, when the doctors are no longer outside the house, no longer only visiting, but actually living in the room next to mine. I really hate it and I feel I should have the right to say so as I live here too." Nit picky probably, but I doubt the house belongs to you nor did you paid for it so technically you really have no say in who gets to live there...
LadyTrixieRed
YTA. I am currently caring for my hubby (60m) who has glioblastoma (brain cancer). He is terminal, and I am his only caregiver. I would jump at the chance to get away from it all for a few days!
You do not understand what it is like to have your role switched from wife to caregiver in an instant. You do not understand what it's like to watch the person that you planned your life with die. Yes, you are your father's child, but we expect to lose our parents at some point in our lives.
Watching your spouse slowly fade away is pure torture. Sorry, but your mom gets to make all the decisions regarding your father's care. She also gets to do whatever she needs to do to keep her sanity. Speaking from experience, she is living in hell right now.
Peony-Pony
YTA. You have no idea how difficult it is to give full time care to terminally ill person. Instead of being supportive of your mother during this difficult time, you're selfish.
So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
Sources: Reddit
© Copyright
2024
Someecards, Inc
